I’m visiting a place, a place where my friends and family have already been.
It’s my suicide attempt.
But this time I can see it from the outside.
I understand that it must hurt.
At the time (still at times) I honestly believed with every inch of my being that this was the right thing to do, that this would make everything ok.
I know now that it would have hurt people, I know that it did. I feel guilty about that but I can’t yet see why they’d hurt so much.
I can’t believe that the feelings I would have if one of my friends committed suicide, the anger, frustration and that aching loss. are how people would feel, how people did feel, when it was me.
I don’t think I’m worth that much emotion.
When I glimpse the truth now and again, it makes me cry.
I still feel I have to earn it. I feel like my actions can turn people’s love off and hopefully on.
I know that’s not true but I can’t feel that truth and I can’t yet live it.
You will never know how much I miss you and wish you were still here.
ReplyDeleteI read this blog all the time & wish so desperately that you'd been able to think this way on that last night.
You are very much loved and we are still devastated by this aching loss.
Love you always and miss you more than mere words could ever justify.
Your friend forever.